Going Home

What’s that saying? “You can never go home again?”

We’re leaving for Winnipeg this afternoon for a short visit. There is a big family gathering, a celebration of my brother’s wedding earlier this summer. My kids are going to be spoiled with attention. It will be wonderful to see everyone — I come from a big family, lots of cousins, aunts, uncles, etc. But at the end of these visit, I always wonder — could I ever come back home?

Winnipeg is home. I return to it all the time in my writing. There have been times where I have wondered whether I will ever be able to write about any other place. I have such a love/hate relationship with the city. And largely this relationship is wrapped up in the guilt I feel for leaving.

How ridiculous is that? I feel guilting for moving away — the best decision I ever could have made — as if I have abandoned a child in the process. My mother has a way of updating me on everyone who makes the decision to come “back home.”

“So-and-so has decided to move back from Vancouver. She really wants to put roots down here.”

“So-and-so is coming back to teach at the university. Because, you know, family is such a big draw.”

And there in lies the guilt. If I have decided not to settle in Winnipeg, then I have abandoned not only a city, but my entire family, and its history, so strongly rooted there. I’ve broken the chain of Ludwig/Donens who have lived in Winnipeg now for four generations. And to make matters worse, I’ve decided to live in Toronto, which means I am raising two Torontonians, a word many Winnipeggers use with disdane.

It’s silly, really. Because everyone makes their life choices for very specific reasons. For me, Winnipeg can never be home again because it does not have the religious options I want in a community. And while there are many, many things I miss about the city (the size, the accessible arts, the festivals), it’s not enough to bring me home for longer than an extended vacation.

So I’m really looking forward to this trip. Family dynamics are wonderful fuel for books. And I love showing off my childhood home to my kids. But that’s all it is. My home is the life I have decided to build elsewhere.

My Life, on a Friday afternoon

When I was doing my Masters degree (in Journalism), I remember once standing on campus, waiting for my husband to pick me up. It was a Friday afternoon. Shabbat (the Jewish Sabbath) was starting in probably just about an hour. My friend was waiting with me and she watched me as I craned my neck to see if Jason’s car was coming.

“You get very anxious on a Friday afternoon, don’t you,” Anna said.

I nodded. Friday afternoons for me are all about anxiety. We talk about the Sabbath “coming” as opposed to starting. It is like a very important guest entering your house. So on a Friday afternoon, I’m running around, cooking two meals’ worth of food, setting the table, maybe doing a little bit of sweeping, tidying, keeping my children from making more of a mess.

It’s worth it, because after I’ve lit the candles, all that anxiety diminishes. And I can just relax. It’s as if I’ve shut the door on the rest of the week and I am now in a quiet room. Everything just stands still.

I don’t write on Shabbat. By Jewish law, it’s not permitted. I like having a day away from all my work, away from the phone, away from the computer glare. I like giving my mind a rest.

So I’m off to get changed, to heat up the food I cooked today, to get all the lights set, etc. In less than an hour, when I sit down to dinner, I’ll be breathing deeper.

Shabbat Shalom.

Writers who travel

I was fortunate enough to have my book picked up by publishers in England, the US and now Germany. When HOLDING MY BREATH was launched in the UK, I flew over. I had a launch in London, one in Birmingham, plus an appearance at the London Jewish Book Festival. All in all, it was a fantastic time, great publicity for me, and a wonderful way to kick off my first international publication.

I could not have done this without the support I got from Canada Council. Back in March, Canada Council was still offering travel grants to writers who needed to travel to promote their work. We’re not talking a lot of money, but I did get enough to cover my airfare, plus some travel expenses while I was in the UK (taxis, trains, etc). Canada Council does not give funding for hotel accomodations, food, or anything other than travel. But I was very grateful for that travel money.

Now our Tory government has cut that program. Writers looking for support for overseas travel will no longer be able to turn to Canada Council. We could only ever receive a maximum of $1500 and that was for airfare only. Plus, we have to declare that as income. 

In order to sell books, I have to promote myself. Publishers don’t have a lot of money, especially small press, and writers have to look at other resources to fund promotional activities, such as travel. Fewer publishers overseas will want to sign on Canadian writers if we are not able to fly abroad to promote our work.

If the Tory government is concerned about grant money going towards “wealthy rock stars, ideological activists or fringe and alternative groups,” then be more selective about who receives the funds. But to cut a program which so clearly helped raise awareness of Canadian arts and culture internationally seems extremely short sighted to me.

For more information on this story, see: http://www.canada.com/reginaleaderpost/news/story.html?id=d89c890a-b77e-4645-8f49-b1605591fc16

My first blog

I have never done this before and the idea of it is almost frightening. Blogging always seemed so public to me. I do a lot of journaling. But my journals, I now have over 50, are filled with writing which will NEVER see the light of day, or the eyes of any reader other than me. In fact, when I was younger, I used to write with such messy script that even now I can’t tell what it is I was trying to say. I think I wrote that way on purpose. It gave me the freedom of writing garbage without having to reread it.

But that’s not what this is about. Blogging, for me, is all about connecting with my readers, and I’m very excited to have the opportunity to do that. I can’t promise to write every day. In fact, I know I won’t. But I will write when I have something to share, when there is an upcoming event I think you might like to know about, or when I have something on my mind which may be of interest to you. I welcome your feedback and look forward to hearing from you too.

In the meantime, my debut novel, HOLDING MY BREATH, is set to be released in the US this August. Very exciting! I received my first copy of it the other day. It is a beautiful hardback, and feels so lovely to hold. I am particularly pleased with the little details, like the end pages, and the cut paper. But really, I’m just thrilled to have my name on the cover of a hardback book.

I hope you are enjoying the newly revamped website. Thank you to Kelly for her great work!

And finally, I should say that I am keen and available to do book club, or any other group, talks. If you are in the Toronto area, I am available to come to your home. If not, we can organize something by phone or webcam. If you are interested in having me speak to your book group, please send me an email at info@sidura.com.

All the best, until next time!
Sidura

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Sidura